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Weird, funny or confusing lines you've ever heard or read?

Vojira

Weird, funny or downright confusing lines you heard in tv-shows, news-programs radio shows and so on.

Mine's from a 'Greatest weapons' program on Discovery Channel.

'-...more tanks then God!' I can't really remember what he prior to this but I know it din't make any sense. XD

Said by some over eager General.

WolfMoonSky

Here is one of *the suite life on deck* on disney XD

"Are we having our first fight?"
"WE ARE NOT HAVING A FIGHT!"
"you two need to be spayed and neutered!" XD

also:

"I'm tough you're weak, I'm goodlooking, you're...bleehh." XD

Vojira

'We are not encouraging Danes to not go on vacation in Egypt at this time. '
Heard over the radio while the 'Muhammed crisis' was rolling over the land.
The line might not be totally right wordwise, but the Announcer actually said the line wrong. From what I know the other news programs at the time was saying Danes should not go on vacation in any country that had become enraged by our little drawings.

Crucent

a funny comment I got once, randomly said in a convo about something completely different: You are my cryptonite. ^^

Vojira

Heard on Dexter, season 3.
Deb:Your protective detail* are going to think you spent the night here!
Anton, sleepy: I did...
Deb:They're gonna think we slept together!
Anton: We have, Deb.
Deb: Oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god...

*Protective details= bodyguards of some sort.

Tonia

Are you tired?


Because you have been running thru my mind all nightThumbs_up

Tenderfoot

When my class had problems with what we had just learned in math:

Me: Damned Hell if I'm ever going to understand this!
Friend1: Oh, come on! You're like, the smartest of us!
Me: No! I feel stupid!
Friend2: Nah, it's not that bad. I actually understand it.
Me: Yeah, and that just about says it, doesn't it?

...

The silence that followed made me want to just die. -__-

Vojira

''we're not out to kill each other. It's just a hobby.''- Said by some brainless football-hooligan who was talking about the violent fights his group has with their rival group.

WolfMoonSky

''does it hurt that much?''- said a man too his wife, who was giving birth at the moment....Nuh_uh

spiritofthewater

...or what about this: (something my mother overheard at the birth clinic when she was giving birth to my brother, but not directed at her)



"No, this one was ugly!!" - said a man to his wife, right after giving birth.



(I should perhaps be careful of telling things like this in an Elfquest society )

Vojira

Big_laugh that cannot be good for relationship.

spiritofthewater

Well, I'm not sure. They were farmers, from a part of the country where they don't use to take themselves very seriously, but anyway...

Vojira

XD let's hope so.
God I feel like saying 'Just put him with pigs, Martha.'

Stormcatcher

Quote:


''does it hurt that much?''- said a man too his wife, who was giving birth at the moment....Nuh_uh





I've heard of a woman who told her husband after that question: "Try and shit a melon yourself!"



I thought that a little drastic, but imaginable... Evilgrin

Vojira

''Huh? The main character is a bald monkey boy?''
(takes a closer look)
''Oh, wait...It's just a really ugly boy.''-Me, when I saw the first picture of the main character in Final Fantasy XII.

Startear

A dentist once had to cut one of my teeth. The tooth in question was infected, so even though I had gotten a anistishiac, it hurt like hell. I don't know how long I screamed, but I have it confirmed by my mother that it sounded like I was being tortured. Then blood, spit and tooth splints were shooting out of my mouth. Only halfway concious, I muttere that it bloody hurt.

"Did it? I thought it was just uncomfortable."

Nuh_uh

And my mom told me thart all kids are ugly, and that she cried when she saw me. So I went from I was 5 to 15 believing that my mom cried because I was so ugly Hypnotize

Vojira

All the lines I heard in the Nostalgia Critic's review of the movie 'The Room'.

Startear

I once read a review of a film where the reviewer was talking about exclusivly about eating smalahove (smoked sheephead, a delicacy over here.) I did not understand a thing, where did the review go? was it good? Was there any nasty scenes? What was going on?

Later I realized that the revewer was comparing this film to how "cityfolk" ate something they didn't eat often, a forgotten part. But it was pretty damned confusing for me, being 15 at the time and hate analysing things.

WolfMoonSky

Quote:


I've heard of a woman who told her husband after that question: "Try and shit a melon yourself!"
I thought that a little drastic, but imaginable... Evilgrin



Hahaha I can get a mental picture of it!!Roflmao

Startear

Yesterday my dad said; "Thank you dad, that was a lovely dinner," in hope that I'd say that.

And he had just burned the onions, added to much fluid and salt to the patties, burned he pea stew and the bean stew.

Tenderfoot

Quote:


Yesterday my dad said; "Thank you dad, that was a lovely dinner," in hope that I'd say that.



And he had just burned the onions, added to much fluid and salt to the patties, burned he pea stew and the bean stew.





Kinda sounds like my grandmother. Only that she doesn't make dinner, but she does come with sarcastic remarks quite often. Like three days ago, I had my nose in a magazine and was reading an article about body snatching (Burke and Hare). Apparantlymy grandmother asked me something, which I didn't hear being occupied with reading. What I did hear, was the comment she made.



"Yes, she said, then she didn't answer".



Now, this probably doesn't make sense in English, but it doesn't in Norwegian either. At least not to me. All I know is that she says it when she feels ignored and that it leads to me having to make it up to her(!)



And gosh, what a line!

Vojira

From Buffy, episode: A new man.
(inside a pretty big crypt)
GILES: Who am I kidding? (muttering) Nothing is gonna happen.
(Giles leaves the crypt)

(a second later,a man who's been hidden in the crypt, Ethan starts talking to himself)

Ethan: I wouldn't say that. I wouldn't say that at all. In fact, Ripper, old mate, I'd say something rather interesting was about to hap--

(Giles comes back into the crypt)

GILES: Did someone--?

Ethan: (caught) Oh, bugger! I thought you'd gone!

Vojira

XD I love this line.
**Anybody want to explain to me why the entire female population of the tribe has invade my den space and interrupted my sleep?**- from Wind Walker's fic 'Of cublings, trolls and other things. Repost'.

Startear

Link please

Vojira

http://www.elfquest.com/social/index.php?do=/forum/-5/of-cublings-trolls-and-other-things-repost/

Vojira

'I don't like the new milk they're serving in the cafeteria. It's orange and it glows. '- From a game called Singularity.

Stormcatcher

Today on a TV-cooking-show:



Host: "Careful, don't cut off your fingers!"

Guest: "Well, I'd still be left with the other five..."

Host (visibly impressed): "You're not afraid of loss, to be sure..."



I love dialogs like that... Roflmao

ciddio

"Whisper in the yard and turn the trees all into toys
Lay there on the ground, and turn the dirt into your joy
From what I see and what I know, it's all been boring lately
So I suggest we trade a question mark in for a maybe
Time your riddles right, and make a point that has no sense
Make sure that you're smiling, and the money's been well spent
Innocence and ignorance, it all goes hand in hand
I'm not sure that I'm right, but I hope you'll understand
I hope that you're still searching for the start that has no end
And all the plastic people have now become your friends
Before you start to drift and your soul begins to scream
I just wanted to tell you that you're listening to a dream"


Brent Smith of Shinedown

Stormcatcher

@ Brad: That's OT, innit... neither weird nor funny nor confusing, just quite reasonable and moving...
But then, I'm a little autistic so I'd like to copy that to share it with my kinship, if I may... Wave

ciddio

You can copy it if you wish or download it from the net off of limewire or other file sharing site. It is on the cd from Shinedown, Us and Them, and simply called "The Dream" or "Dream". Have A nice day Stormcatcher.

ciddio

I heard this one at a class reunion and almost fell out of my chair.

Guy #1. Hey how have you been, have you ever put on the pounds!
Guy #2. yes, but though I may be fat, you are still ugly and at least I can diet.
And then he just walked away grinning.

WolfMoonSky

Some from the serie friends.


"Oh! Sorry, did I get you?"
"NO, you didn't get me! It's an electric drill! You get me, you kill me!"

"Some girl ate Monica!!!"
"Shut up! The camera adds 10 pounds."
"Oh. So how many cameras are actually on you?"

Startear

You ought to watch it, you know. One day the boogeymen are going to come out of their closets and start parading down the high street.

They'll be marching for equal rights, free blood, and your head on a silver platter.

Constantine, from The Books of Magic

Vojira

Just saw this on a news report:
'Vejrguderene trurer kirke'.
Translated:
'Weathergods threatens church.'
Of course, it's because the weather is really bad in places.
I just got a mental picture of king Frost roaring at a tiny little church.

WolfMoonSky

*don't act like poop*

O_o...my mom just told some family member.

Vojira

'Nice assassino.Put it down,yes? Please stop, I have a slight...fear of death.'
Guard in Assassin's Creed: Brotherhood.

WolfMoonSky

'We don't mean to fuck you'



'I stoled your lamppost and was gonna givez it back, but I eated it'



'Ha, take that bee-yatch! No suing people now, Miss CIT'



- courtny from TDI

Vojira

'They gathered up hammers to cushion their fall...'
A line where I heard 'hammers' when 'hampers' were said.
Still, it made me go '...WTFH?!'

Stormcatcher

@ Voji: Nice picture. Laugh I'd have probably misheard 'hamsters', makes an interesting mind-pic as well... Evilgrin

WolfMoonSky

*You've been a bad, bad boy. Now go to my room!*



The part of going to my room made me feel like WTF O_o! Then after a few minutes I discovered that it was his mother.made me really go WTFH?! O.O..if I only new wich movie it was..

SailorSilvanesti

"Tequila: Have you hugged your toilet today?"



A random line from "The Pilo Family Circus" -an audiobook I bought...I was like, LOL!

WolfMoonSky

The more I see of men, the more I like dogs.

- Jeanne-Marie Roland



So do I LOL!

AdmiralZey

Are you planning to put me to work in a cannery for 14 hours a day when i turn seven?

Calvin and Hobbes

Stormcatcher

From Dogma (a movie quotable from beginning to end):



Metatron: "Human beings have neither the aural nor the psychological capacity to withstand the awesome power of God's true voice. Were you to hear it, your mind would cave in and your heart would explode within your chest. We went through five Adams before we figured that one out."

Vojira

'This is the movie. (Movie box gets thrown to the left) These are the notes (puts a gigantic stack of papers on the table) of whats wrong with the movie. So as you see theres a lot to go through. I will do my best and keep this review under a millennium long, but I make no promises!'- The Nostalgic Critic, reviewing Neverending Story 3.

WolfMoonSky

*sigh* ''will he ever go away?''



''he is here for almost 5 hours so don't worry''



T: Maybe I can sing a song for you!



*grins

---------------------------------------------



"We are here stuck for now 9 hours!!''



''...That long?'' *grabs horloge and smash it on the ground*



''Why did you do that for?!''



''It's either you or the watch!''



*grins widely* I Love NCIS!

Vojira

Quote:


@ Voji: Nice picture. Laugh I'd have probably misheard 'hamsters', makes an interesting mind-pic as well... Evilgrin



Big_laugh

'They gathered up hammers to cushion their fall...'

Reaction: 'WTFH?'

'They gathered up hamsters to cushion their fall...'

'Oh hell no! You monsters!That's ju-Wait wait...Why would they have that many hamsters on ship of war?'O___o

AdmiralZey

When it snows you can go sledding.

When its windy you can fly kites.

When its hot you can go swimming.

But when its raining...SIGH... The ONLY sport is driving mom crary.

Calvin and Hobbes

Vojira

Some of the reactions to watching some episodes of 'Boondocks':
'OMG,HOW IS THAT NOT CENSURED?!'

'It looks like a horse's... '

'if they clap...I'm leaving.'
*people start clapping*
*both friends start screaming loundly*

chama

"You want to marry someone just like me, don't you Dauntless? Of course you do! Oh god, if I were only twenty years younger-!"

From Once Upon A Mattress. This is Queen Aggravain to her son Dauntless. Yes, she really does say this.

AdmiralZey

How come we play War and not Peace......

To few role models.

C&H

SailorSilvanesti

"We Come in Peace,

Shoot to Kill!

Shoot to Kill!

Shoot to Kill!



We Come in Peace,

Shoot to Kill!

Scotty, Beam me Up!!"



-Star Trekkin' by The Firm [One of the Most Epic Songs out there...]

Vojira

'Onwards Binky, to the Hogfather's Castle of Bone.'
-Death to his horse.
It's just the name 'Binky' that cracks me up. Roflmao

AdmiralZey

Hey Dad remember our car.

Why sure!

Wait a minute, what do you mean remember??

C&H

SailorSilvanesti

"I used to be Schizophrenic...but We're okay now..."



-Some TV Show...

AdmiralZey

Calvin, quit charging around the house!

(smash bonk crash boom)

What did i tell you!



Beats weren't you listening either?

C&H

sulken

"The form-particle does not produce sense-consciousness because it transcends the senses" -Nargarjuna*

sorry Smile



*it's just confusing if you don't know, what he's talking about^^

Vojira

EVERY.SINGLE.THING.SAGE.READS.IN.THIS.REVIEW.OF.A.REALLY.BAD.FANFIC.
*warning,contains strong language, mature/adult material that is so badly write you most likely won't notice because you will be hammering your head the nearest table/wall is you watch this vid while screaming 'WHY DID I CLICK THIS LINK?!'
Seriously, 18 minutes into this I was bashing my head into my table.
And the vid is nearly 60 minutes long.
*Note: the man reading it did note write the story. He just enjoys reading the worst of the worst fanfics to his fans.

All his 'fanfic theater' fics can be found here

WolfMoonSky

They lived happily until they got married.



*grin*

AdmiralZey

Chekov you know anything about a neutron radiation leak

only about the size of my head

i know what you mean



Star Trek 6 Undicovered Country

WolfMoonSky

Some funny thing of the lion king



he looks blue...

I'd say brownish gold

no, i mean he's depressed



What do call a hyena with half a brain? - Gifted!

SailorSilvanesti

" 'Almost' only counts in horse shoes, and hand grenades..."

-Star Trek Voyager

WolfMoonSky

Pumbaa: It's our motto.

Young Simba: What's a motto?

Timon: Nothing. What's a motto with you?



Timon: Who's the brains in this outfit?

Pumbaa: Uh...

Timon: My point exactly.





Young Simba: Hey, Uncle Scar, guess what?



Scar: I despise guessing games.





Young Simba: I'm gonna be King of Pride Rock.

Scar: Oh, goody.

Young Simba: My dad just showed me the whole kingdom. And I'm gonna rule it all. Heheh.

Scar: Yes, well forgive me for not leaping for joy. Bad back, you know.

[flops on his side]

Young Simba: Hey Uncle Scar, when I'm King, what'll that make you?

Scar: A monkey's uncle.

Young Simba: [laughs] You're so weird.

Scar: You have no idea.



I love the lion king XD

Startear

I ride you through the city so bright

WolfMoonSky

You're the best friend/person of the whole world...oh and EARTH!!



(now that's what I love about kids XD)

faeriegirl

oh that's super duper cute!!!!!

WolfMoonSky

I know! but it goed further:



'' well, you're the best person of Mercury and Venus and world..and earth''



and is goes on and on Tongue

Embala

Me to a co-worker (long ago):



Would you be so kind please to explain the sexual life of Canadian Dollars to me?



(in her filiale I always counted more collectible CAN $ then should be there ... and it was not like they were missing in other filiales)

AdmiralZey

Calvin:Still and quiet feline form in the sun asleep and warm his tail is limp his whiskers droop man what could make this tiger so pooped.



Hobbes:When does school start

Calvin and Hobbes

Vojira

B.L.S:Look at me, look at this show. You're pathetic.
Spoony: Ahhh, no, I'm heavily armed! *Finds kalashnikov* and starts shooting B.L.S*
-The Spoony Experiment, review: Final Fantasy X – The Finale.

* at least I think it's a kalashnikov...

jeb

My son is watching Megamind for about the sixth time. Here's what I'm hearing:

Roxanne: Tell me, it there a website where you buy Tesla coils and blinking dials?

Minion: Actually, it's an outlet mall in...

Megamind: No! She taking advantage of your weak mind to learn our secrets!

Minion:...Romania.

______________

Metro Man: Justice is a non-corrosive metal!

______________

Hal: Bouncy House! What was I thinking! Chicks don't dig Bouncy Houses! They like clowns!

______________

Roxanne: If only life had a reset button.

Megamind: I've looked into the reset button. The science is impossible!

Stormcatcher

I wish I wouldn't have to buy the DVD or check IMDb to get the original lines... All we ever get here is dubbed. Scream



Amongst many other lines from "Kelly's Heroes" I've used successfully in real life was this last one by Oddball (my ex-boss barked at me for drinking tea while my computer was being repaired):



Big Joe: What's happening?

Oddball: Well, the tank's broke and they're trying to fix it.

Big Joe: Well, then, why the hell aren't you up there helping them?

Oddball: I only ride 'em, I don't know what makes 'em work.

Startear

"You can't really say that the World Championship is a global event."

The whole school disagreed with me on this point. Wonder why...

Vojira

'Wait, so that's the same spaceship you were on three years ago?'

'Yeah.'

'The same spaceship you spent hours on?'

'Yeah.'

'The same spaceship which lockers you rummaged through for money?'

Yeah?'

'The same spaceship you picked clean for money?

'..Yeah...?'

'And three years later you still finding money?'

'O___o ....XD..Yeah.'

'Tell me, do you think the people who are repairing the ship put new money in there or do they open up previously locked lockers?'

'Maybe! *Laugh uncontrollably *'

SailorSilvanesti

"...Oh he's really nice, in fact, I've even made a date to speak with him later...tell me, when does Hell freeze over, exactly...?" Mork from Ork, Mork & Mindy



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



"Whoa! Can somene please explain to me, why I keep having blanks in my memory, why I'm bleeding, and WHY your NANA delivered a Flying NINJA Kick to My FACE?!" -Ricky, "Aliens in the Attic"

Startear

"I have a confession to make."

"Yes, Harry?"

"I'm really starting to like caviar."

A World not So Black Nor White

(Adult content in this)

Stormcatcher

Found on twitter:

Quote:
How much coke did charlie sheen snot? Enough to kill two and a half men!

Vojira

(five minutes in the first Glee episode I've ever seen)
Me:...Tobias?
Tobias: Yes?
Me: Is everybody in this series nuts?
Tobias: Yes. ^^
Me: Oh god, it Eureka all over again.
(In the end of the episode)
Me:...The people in this show somehow manages to be 30 times more insane then Eureka...O___O

Trollbabe

Stormcatcher, I'll have to remember that! Roflmao

jeb

Just finished security training for work, which offered this advice:

"Calm hostages lead to calm hostage takers."

Trollbabe

This topic would make an excellent brochure or web page: So You've Been Taken Hostage.

Vojira

'YOU MISSED! WITH A CANNON!'-Tremors 4.

SailorSilvanesti

AVATAR



Grace: What kind of Lab Training have you had?

Jake Sully: ...I dissected a frog once...

Grace: See? They're just pissing on us without even the courtesy to call it Rain!



~Lab Tech to Jake: Come back tommorrow morning, try to use big words...



~Grace to Jake: Just relax and let your mind go blank...that should be easy for you...

jeb

Quote:


This topic would make an excellent brochure or web page: So You've Been Taken Hostage.





That's basically what this was - web training full of great advice such as:



-don't be too passive - or too aggressive

-maintain eye contact - but don't stare

-don't aggravate or belittle the hostage taker



Although thinking about it now, I kind of resent the implication that if I'm in a hostage situation and anything goes awry it will by my fault. That, as a hostage, I didn't behave correctly.

jeb

"We need toothpicks! It's not a party if you don't pick up small food with toothpicks."

SailorSilvanesti

Elizabeth Swan: There will come a moment where you will have a chance to do good...



Jack Sparrow: I love those moments...I like to wave to them as they pass by...



-Pirates of the Carribean 3: At World's End

SailorSilvanesti

"If you played 'JAWS' backwards, it would be about a Zombie Killer Shar kthat barfed up so many people, they had to open a beach"



"I wasn't kicking him, I was RiverDancing and he got in the Way!"



"Whoever said, 'Nothing is Impossible' has obviously never treid to Push a door that said, PULL!"



"* 1:00 a.m. * Get up, walk calmly to the bathroom, pee, look in the mirror quickly to make sure there's no masked killer behind you, turn off the lights, run as fast as you can from the bathroom back into your bedroom and jump 2 feet in the air and land on the bed, pull the covers up to your chin and glance around the room to make sure you didn't leave any more killers behind you on your expedition back, relax and nuzzle back into your pillow. * 17 seconds later you hear a noise * jump up quickly and realize its the air conditioning coming on and think " man! those ninja's just wont give up tonight.. " "



FaceBook Likes, how Ilove thee! XD

AdmiralZey

I'll Pay you a million

OKAY!!

Pretzals

Wait what

you know those snacks that are serve at parties!

.........Okay

SailorSilvanesti

FACEBOOK 'Like':



"wake up in the middle of the night to pee:

avoid all mirrors



airplane engine makes a sudden noise:

i lived a good life



hear thumps while in shower:

whole family is being killed and you're next



turns off all lights before going to bed:

omg run for the bed before the demons get you



elevator door doesn't immediately open :

trapped forever



realize it's too quiet, where's everyone?

oh god zombies."



I LOL'd!^^ XD

Vojira

Me:-...well he likes the taste of human flesh-
Friend: AND HE'S ONE OF THE GOOD ONES?!
Me:...Eh, yes.

SailorSilvanesti

My brother just walked into the room and says [refering to Family Guy]:



"Chris and the Evil Monkey just ate AquaMan..."



Understandably, I was like, HOLY-! What the-?

Never a dull moment in my family...XD

WolfMoonSky

You can take my breath away!!! stay away from me I don’t want do die Now.



*smirks* Have no idea where it was from but I like it!

AdmiralZey

Hey brian have you heard

Heard what Peter

NO BRIAN DON'T

A well a bird bird bird bird is the word................................

Family Guy

Vojira

SPACE! The Big Dipper!The Big Dipper!! What's your favorite thing about space? Mine's space.

WolfMoonSky

Guy: Can i see your hand? (he draws a little river then a bunny on one side and says he can't get to the other side because he will go glub glub glub.) Gal: What was the point of that? Guy : Just wanted an excuse to hold your hand

SailorSilvanesti

"Why is it people in Horror Movies always walk into a house and say, "Hello?"

It's not like the Killer's going to answer, "I'm in the Kitchen, want a Sandwich?" "



XD FaceBook Like

WolfMoonSky

LOL sailor!



The body is made up of 90% water and I’m thirsty!

Me saying this to myselfs.

SailorSilvanesti

"Someone Hacked into a Blondes computer account.

The password was: MickeyGoofyPlutoDaisyCinderellaShrekDonkeyFionaWashingtonD.C.



When asked why she had such a long password she replied that she was told it had to have at least eight characters and one capital.

Like if you get it. "



XD FaceBook Like

WolfMoonSky

O_o...what a passwoord..XD

Stormcatcher

Seen on a t-shirt: "COMPUTER-GAMES RUINED MY LIFE - I'm glad I've got extra lives..."

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