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Battlefield: Yo Computa!

TrollHammer

Just like Yo Mama is so messed up, Yo Computa is whacked too!

Trollbabe

Reminds me of a line from "The Mentalist", about a computer having more viruses than a cheap prostitute.

TrollHammer

Yo computer so slow, it cant even play an .avi of "the mentalist".

Yo computer is more like 'the minimalist'!

lunakat

Sadly.. .that's true of my computer right now!

But.. yo computa is so whack, just looking at the screen is like a drug trip!
Yo Computa screen is so trippy, it triggered epileptic fits in several young children.

lunakat

Makes sense tho- yo computa broke when yo mama tried to download a photo of herself onto the hard-drive. She's so big, the file size shorted out yo computa's memory. She's so hard to view, yo computa couldn't take it. One jpg of her crashed the whole dang system.

TrollHammer

You typed yo mama's name into google, and now yo computer won't restart, reboot, or do anything but weigh down papers, and there's so much residual "junk data" on it with it off you can't lift it to get the paper under it!

lunakat

I saw yo computer on display as a relic in the Museum of Jurrassic Technology... fyi- a museum of obsolete technologies and unfounded superstitions.

TrollHammer

Yo computer still has a seperate "break" key

Yo computer runs on CP/M.

Yo computer has too little memory to run HIMEM/DOS!

Its processor doesnt even rank in the 8086 class.

The Space Shuttle shared more memory between three computers in 1980 than yo computer can even be upgraded to, and its completely empty!

Yo computer can only communicate at 150 baud, and jot even over a phone line.

Trollbabe

Using yo computa as a paperweight is the only way it's gonna save any information.



Yo computa needs Odor Eaters before it reboots.



(BTW can't you tell I know nothing about computers, except that they cost money and my husband can't always fix them.)

TrollHammer

(thats ok...) ... Yo computer doesnt know anytbing about you either. Its actually a good thing: Google cant cache all your personal info if yo computer cant store any info!

What exactly is yo computer? A broken Atari or is it clear up to the level of a Tandy 1000?

lunakat

Doesn't yo computa run on an abacus?

TrollHammer

Yo computer so old it wont even run AOL 1.0.

Its so freakin old you're reading this insult from a command prompt. In DOS.

lunakat

I heard you just pretend to have a computer. You took a crayon, and drew a nice big picture of a keyboard and screen on your notebook paper. Late at night, you pretend to type on it, and when you get real reeeaaal lonely, you take out a pencil and write "email messages" to yourself onscreen. (That way, you can also pretend to have friends.) You use a pencil because it erases... that's as advanced in technology as yo computa gets.

TrollHammer

I was almost wondering if you were descri ing the upgrade you wanted, until I realized you'd probably eat the crayons and drool on the paper. Yo mama's computer so old, she had to have someone put it together for her. A HeathKit, I believe.

You probably think a Balony Slicer cuts meat, even though it would be the only hard drive you could hope to match up with your mastidonic era hunk of junk.

TrollHammer

Yo computa so slow browsing the internet takes too long and you gave up trying to post here.

lunakat

No... my computer just had better things to do. Unlike your computer, it actually serves a number of functions in my daily life.

But then, I guess that's hard for you to understand. "Your computer" is the one you borrow time on at the local library.

lunakat

.. don't take too long to respond. That homeless guy behind you has been waiting a while.

lunakat

Quote:


Yo computa so slow browsing the internet takes too long and you gave up trying to post here.





Hey, I noticed your keyboard doesn't include commas.

TrollHammer

Quote:


No... my computer just had better things to do. Unlike your computer, it actually serves a number of functions in my daily life....





Im sure it does... By the way, the CD tray isnt a cup holder...



Quote:


.. don't take too long to respond. That homeless guy behind you has been waiting a while.





Funny, I didnt think they allowed birds in a Troll Library, and you really should watch who you cal homeless... I believe thats your dad.



Quote:




Hey, I noticed your keyboard doesn't include commas.





Not the main one, my computer is so 1337 I have three keyboards and the whole thing fits in my pocket. It isnt worth my time to insult you properly, so I dont always switch just for that extra '.



Of course, again, you shouldnt draw attention to yourself. Your so called computer doesnt have an 'enter' key, just a chipped metal lever that used to be chrome known as a Carrage Return Lever. You can actually say you ran out of spacebar fluid and not be joking... Oh, wait, I mean you can say "outofspacebarfluid", since it would be rusted stuck.

lunakat

Quote:

Not the main one, my computer is so 1337 I have three keyboards and the whole thing fits in my pocket. It isnt worth my time to insult you properly, so I dont always switch just for that extra '.


Your computer is reading 1337? Oh right.. it's an abacus. A tiny one, apparently.

Cute.

BTW, this ' is an apostrophe. This , is a comma.

TrollHammer

Wow, you passed second grade, I'm so happy for you!



Now you can go play 'oregon trail' as a reward! It's a little advanced for your computer, but the green screen will show pretty well.

lunakat

That would impress you, wouldn't it? Because unlike your computer, mine can display color.

TrollHammer

(redis due to server wipe)



I guess "4 color graphics" still counts as color, doesn't it? You probably want to keep your eye out for a full VGA monitor at Goodwill, and get rid of that crappy EGA.

lunakat

Your computer is suffering from PTS-Dos. It's stuck in the year 2000, and it can't get out of it.

TrollHammer

If it was, thats better than your TI99/4A... Cassette tapes? Seriously?

In a way, I have to give you props. Just to post an insult you have to hook your TI up to your TV, wait for it to start, and then program in each line of an internet browser and modem driver, then manually send all the information to the site... All at 150 baud... You must have a lot of patience.

lunakat

Speaking of patience... you must also be blessed with it.
How else to deal with a computer that keeps flashing this message at you?

ID10T error

TrollHammer

Go rm -rf / yourself.

lunakat

In examining your computer, I think the error exists at layer zero

TrollHammer

I don't need to say anything. You already spoke volumes about yourself and computers.

lunakat

That's because I have one.



Sorry- I know your parents told you they gave you computer, but... that thing you own is called an etch-a-sketch.

TrollHammer

I guess you saw it since it's all you understand, but your etch-a-sketch would only have one knob and a cracked screen.



My computer is so awesome you thought the etch-a-scetch image on the screen was the real thing. Welcome to the 21st century. We have color graphics and full keyboards you can actually type on, or use the voice recog and just tell the computer what you want.



But hey, if a half-burned-out Univac with a few hundred switches floats your boat, you can keep your museum piece. I guess you don't have to turn on a heater, at least.

lunakat

Your computer only recognizes speech because it was constructed by Wolfgang von Kempelen in the 1700's, and has very human ears.

The nicest thing about 'the turk' is that it keeps you from being lonely. Awww...

TrollHammer

Im sure you dont really know what your talking about. You thought the fake sundial in your yard qualified as a computer, and bragged about how yoi havd "upgraded" it into a higher effeciency supercomputer by moving it into the shade.

lunakat

You turned your computer upside down and shook it to get the cookies out. And, imagine that! They were oatmeal.

TrollHammer

You thought the floppy disk on yours was a toaster. You're still waiting for the bread to pop back out.

lunakat

That is my toaster. Although, I'm not surprised you mistook a spiffy new toaster for a computer. Your toaster is so old, your grandma bought it used when she first married your grandaddy. My computer doesn't use a floppy drive. Computers have progressed beyond that at this point.

You wouldn't know. You've been waiting to upgrade to a floppy drive for decades now. Your current computer is a Leanord Silex.

TrollHammer

I think you're confused.



I have two Fujitsu Ks... both trying desperately to calculate how old your computer is. Seems that no matter how complex or advanced a computer is they can't calculate anything "before computers"

lunakat

lunakat

To clarify..

lunakat

Because you are using this one

TrollHammer

That's nice, posting pics of your children...



My computer isn't anywhere near that big, though. 12nm tech is small... very small. 256 cores fit in the palm of my hand.



Of course, "core" in my computer refers to a processing unit.



"Core" in your computer refers to core memory... the real thing.

TrollHammer

lunakat said


Because you are using this one









i have to ask, though. seriously... a steering wheel? Must be the 'mobile computing' version.

lunakat

I'm not surprised you think that a mobile device requires a steering wheel. Tell me, does your RCC use DTMF or two tone sequential paging? And when exactly are you expecting to upgrade?

TrollHammer

lunakat said


I'm not surprised you think that a mobile device requires a steering wheel. Tell me, does your RCC use DTMF or two tone sequential paging? And when exactly are you expecting to upgrade?







You probably still key RTTY by hand to "instant message" your.. ahem, friends.

lunakat

For you, arguing on the internet is a lot like running in the special olympics... even if you win, you're still retarded. Maybe one day, you'll realize that being on dial up is like being on crack- no matter how fast you think you're going in your own mind, the connections still aren't working properly.Also- it's dirty and cheap... like yo computer.

lunakat

For you, SNL has never been funny.

TrollHammer

Your day:

Wake up...
Turn on green screen monitor...
Turn on computer (makes a loud "thwack" that can be heard two apartments down)..
Cook breakfast
eat breakfast
Start tape recorder to load the first part of Fortran into your computer...
Read a newspaper, getting lost in the sports section, and confused by the comics...
Flip cassette tape over to finish load Fortran...
Take a break, do some stretches and excersizes...
Fortran finall finishes loading around 10:30...

Settle in for a long day of typing. You have been working on getting something functional out of your computer for decades now, and there isnt even a glimmer of light on the horizon. A simple spreadsheed to do your taxes is only half complete, but you have done it yourself so you feel good in having done half a job half well done by 70s-80s standards.

8PM rolls around and you insert a fresh cassette tape to save your progress, all 316 bytes of it. This takes long enough for you to cook and eat a roast, but as you are still trying to pay off your comouter loan you take your time and gnaw on a dry piece of Ramen.

Cassette jams halfway through. You chuck it and insert a new tape. Round about midnight the save finally finishes and you can get some sleep. Gotta be fully rested for tomarrow, when you get to do it all over again, because you are too darn stubborn to just dump the boat anchor and get a cell phone, which would have about 10,000 times the speed, twenty or more times the processing throughput (if it were at the same speed), and comes with games, internet, and an app to do your taxes... And thats just the cheap model you can get for the price of your current phone bill...

lunakat

Is there some reason you decided to share with us your daily "to do" list?

TrollHammer

Oh, how cute. You tried to enter your overgrown calculator in a Turing test, having it reply "I know you are but what am I?" to everything.

lunakat

Sorry Trollhammar- that was your three year old kid. And you should stop calling him an "overgrown calculator" just because he can handle calculations better than your computer.

lunakat

BTW...

Trollbabe

Yo computa so old, it has a ink ribbon.

Yo computa's most recent download says, "Mr. Watson, come here! I need you."

TrollHammer

Wow, Luna, I guess you must have upgraded that piece of junk boat anchor. It only took yo computa a year or two to find that video.

Trollbabe, if only yo computa was half as quick as your toung, or was a fraction as strong as yoir wit, you might have something worth messing with, but alas, your failing heathkit wasnt even up to par as a museum piece.


Yo mama's so cheap she ordered her last computer one bit shy of octal.

lunakat

What neither one of you has figured out is that a "recall" by the manufacturer isn't an optional return. Enjoy roasting marshmellows over the Li ion on your PC Pitstops.

TrollHammer

You are such a computer NOP you thought computer programmers are perverted when you flipped through a programming book and saw PEEK and POKE. But you kept on trying to get your computer to do something anyway. You were proud of yourself, just yesterday, when you finally coaxed the following from your display:

256k RAM passed...OK

Echo off

A:\>do somethin dum computr
Bad command or file name.

A:\>um, please do somethin?
Bad command or file name.

A:\>is that all you can say?
Bad command or file name.

A:\>well thats real mature, why dont you say it again?
Bad command or file name.

A:\>HAH! it did what it was told for once! i am a computer genious!
Bad command or file name.

A:\>I hate you.
I hate you too.
Bad command or file name.

...And it went on like this for hours until your floppy disk finally gave up and wouldnt do anything anymore.

lunakat

I guess you'd know something about it. Peek and Poke are just your cheat commands (on games you play with yo mama)... because your 8-bit, family computer is as BASIC as it gets.

TrollHammer

01 59 6F 75 72 20 63 6F 6D 70 75 74 65 72 20 64 75 20 73 6F 20 6F 6C 64 20 69 74 20 63 61 6E 27 74 20 72 65 61 64 20 74 68 69 73 21 20 20 4F 5F 6F 02 04

lunakat

Go Hex yourself! Because...

79 6f 75 72 20 63 6f 6d 70 75 74 65 72 20 73 68 6f 75 6c 64 20 62 65 20 6f 6e 20 74 68 69 73 20 6c 69 73 74

TrollHammer

I see you have so little clue about computers you havent installed some kind of anti-ad ware. Your internet cache is leaking into your posts. Have you been looking for an upgrade recently?

lunakat

I guess your computer really was too old to read that! O_O

lunakat

lunakat said

I guess your computer really was too old to read that! O_O



Wow. No response?

You have been pwned.
(look it up)

TrollHammer

I was kind of waiting to see if you were going to come up with something better. At least you got your spelling right, even if you are still in the "wow" phase of seeing how computers interface with people... ASCII has been around forever, but not quite as long as your computer has....



But at least your computer was designed by ferrari, and named after you.



Well, looks like we should be mocking this site's computer, cant fix the link or add a new one. Look up Nimrod and Ferarri.

Trollbabe

After you spent all day programming your computer by typing in what you thought was HTML, I regret to inform you those were instructions for knitting a Fair Isle sweater, you moron.

TrollHammer

I program in C, not HTML. Why would I limit myself?

lunakat


I was kind of waiting to see if you were going to come up with something better.

I don't need to.

But at least your computer was designed by ferrari, and named after you.

Well, looks like we should be mocking this site's computer, cant fix the link or add a new one. Look up Nimrod and Ferarri.

Nice try... Nice fail.


I program in C, not HTML. Why would I limit myself?

It's your hunk o' junk computer that limits you.

Trollbabe

Programs in C because the H,T,M and L keys don't work.

lunakat

I'm sorry to hear that, Trollbabe. I hope you can afford to purchase a new keyboard soon.

lunakat

Ouch. My first instinct was to offer my deepest sympathy for the state of your keyboard... but you've actually had it ever since I realized that your 'computer' is a TI-82. (Ooo!)

TrollHammer

Yo computa so slow, it took it a week to load this post!

Trollbabe

Your computer has a number 8 on the back, and the screen keeps saying, "REPLY HAZY - TRY AGAIN"

TrollHammer

At least my computer is fairly consistant.

Your's, on the other hand, really puts the Random in RAM

not that there is much space for your computer to be that random. The Space Shuttle had about 65kb of memory for its compiters.

Your computer was unable to store that small string of text.

lunakat

Yo computer's so old it was featured on "Star Trek" (the original series).
McCoy took one look at it and said "It's dead, Jim."

TrollHammer

Chalk it up to some sort of ding on my computer, but I cant make out your post. My computer cant process bull crap.

lunakat

Because it's dead, Jim. You're computer's bull. A live bull could process it's own crap. But a dead one is just a paperweight.

TrollHammer

A friend of mine stopped by your house visiting yo mama. She said yo computer was a cardboard box with lines drawn on it in crayon, with a neighborhood kid taped inside. I hope you poked some holes in the box.

lunakat

My mama stopped by your house to talk to your mama. She said your computer was being used as a table inside the cardboard box your daddy lives in.

TrollHammer

Scientists are using my computer to try to figure out what your computer might be useful for, other than to take up space... Lots of space... Like "kill any landfill" kind of space. Seems that vacuum tubes arent really recycleable these days. Glass isnt used enough to make it worth melting back down.

lunakat

Sound like my computer is very important- and yours, like it's owner, is just a tool.

TrollHammer

#include "lunakat.h"
#include "lunakatscomputer.h"
#include <stio.h>

void setup()
{
int luna=0;
}

void main()
{
// calculate how slow Luna's computer is
unsigned long CurrentTime=millis(); //log the current time
int Result=(2+2); //simple benchmark addition function. Should take 4 operations on processor.
unsigned long TimeDifference=(millis()-CurrentTime): //figure out how long it took to add 2+2
if (TimeDifference<CurrentTime) //if the millis() clock rolled over (takes about 50+ days)
{
println("Your computer is too slow to perform simple operations. Turn in to nearest recycling center or rock quarry");
}

Else
{
println(TimeDifference);
}



// then calculate how stupid she is for keeping it
// really, I dont know why Im bothering to write this much code
// her computer will probably lock up trying to load a zero into the interger "lunakat".
if (TimeDifference>1000)
{
println(LunasCurrentName());
println(" your computer took %d, longer than a second, to calculate 2+2. Thats pretty slow. Get rid of it, even if it is faster than you.", TimeDifference);
}

else
{
// yeah right.
}
}

lunakat

Impressive. I didn't know you could program on a gameboy pocket.

TrollHammer

I can program anything newer than the abacus you carry around for your "portable computer".

You could get enough money out of that thing to buy a house. Isnt it the one some great mathimatician used in the rennesaunce?

lunakat

It's spelled "renaissance."

You should look into getting a more contemporary computer. Ever since the CP/M and TRS-80 in 1980, they come with spellcheck! (I know- it's mindblowing)

TrollHammer

Actually, you should direct your feelings about my spelling at the site. Regardless of whatever piece of junk you are accessing the site, there is no web-spell check on the site. Getting the point across should be good enough without accessing various online thesaruses or whatever. I should have been using smaller words anyway, did your mommy point it out to you while looking over your shoulder, since she's so afraid of an online stalker sending you naughty messages? She should just post a pic of you on your dating profile, and scare them all away, but your 300 baud modem would take too long, I guess.

lunakat


Actually, you should direct your feelings about my spelling at the site. Regardless of whatever piece of junk you are accessing the site, there is no web-spell check on the site. Getting the point across should be good enough without accessing various online thesaruses or whatever. I should have been using smaller words anyway, did your mommy point it out to you while looking over your shoulder, since she's so afraid of an online stalker sending you naughty messages? She should just post a pic of you on your dating profile, and scare them all away, but your 300 baud modem would take too long, I guess.


I'm directing my feelings about your spelling at you. I just assumed, if you didn't know how to spell, you would, had your computer been capable, have looked up the words on Google or using an online thesaurus. I'm assuming you aren't a lazy dumbass and/or incapable of arriving at that solution- so the only other conclusion I can reach is that your computer can't perform such a function. Barring that, I would have guessed you would have used your word processing program to spellcheck. Had your computer come equipped with such an advanced program, I assume you would have taken advantage of it. Hence, my suggestion that you consider upgrading.

It's elementary, my dear Watson... much like your computer.

TrollHammer

Your computer came in two colors: beige and yellowed with age.

Unfortunately you cant use your computer at the moment. The cigarette smoke over the years collected on the CRT and shorted it out, and you are currently looking for a replacement amberchrome monitor. Its the only upgrade you can justify to yourself after the years of green screen radiation.

lunakat

Lucky thing I was able to sell it to you! It's too bad you had to learn all those sordid details from the repair guy, but hey... "as is" means "as is."

TrollHammer

Wasn't me who bought it. I heard it was an underfunded museum in some backwater town located in Siberia. I'd feel sorry for them, but as you say, "as is" is just that, and all sales final on ebay. It was nice of your friend to post it for you, even if the listing fees cost more than the winning bid.

Hey, I got an idea for you! How about your friend posting a Kickstarter for a new computer for you? I've seen all sort of personal things get funded on there. Ya never know! You might get enough for a Mac LCII!

lunakat


Hey, I got an idea for you! How about your friend posting a Kickstarter for a new computer for you? I've seen all sort of personal things get funded on there. Ya never know! You might get enough for a Mac LCII!


I think not. My standards aren't as low as yours. Good luck upgrading from your PCjr to a Commodore 64- Dreams can come true.

TrollHammer

Yo computer so old they had to downgrade this website for you to keep accessing it.